Twitload for 18 September 2009

Seen recently at Twitter:

"During the Rapture, can I trade for a ticket to Valhalla? It just sounds cooler." - Chris Dashiell

"You will not read a more dazzling book this year than David Eagleman's "Sum". If you read it and aren't enchanted I will eat 40 hats." - Stephen Fry

"When I promised to eat 40 hats if you weren't enchanted by 'Sum', I hope were aware that 'hat' means 'cashew nut' in a rare Papuan dialect." - Stephen Fry

"I wonder if someone is spiking Glenn Beck's warm-bed-time-milk-like-mommy-used-to-make with massive doses of LSD?" - Larisa Alexandrovna

"Wow. Even I HEARD the sonic boom of the Space Shuttle. Welcome home guys and gals. You're our heroes!" - Marlee Matlin

"Pat Buchanan is NBC News' Racism Czar." - Oliver Willis

"You know the worlds gone mad when blacks wear plaid." - Jamie Foxx

"On the road again. 40hour drive to Banff, Alberta, CA...the type of drive that makes you reconsider your fear of flying." - Wynton Marsalis

"Stay out of my way, people I don't know. Acquaintances, pray I remember meeting you.... Why? It's #punchastrangermonday" - Brian Posehn

"I bought the new Whitney Houston album for the cricket in my garage. I reckon that makes us just about even." - Christopher Kutcher

"Before heading to bed tonight, I am going to do a 'dirty dance' in my basement in honor of Patrick Swayze. That man was fine. God bless him" - Donna Brazile

"Imagine how fucked up it feels to have Obama PERSONALLY dis you? It's like the closest thing to having Jesus Christ call you a faggot." - Ron Cortés

"With ACORN out of the way, conservatives can get back to the hard work of helping poor people." - Matt Duss

"i wonder if matt drudge is sad that glenn beck has replaced him as america's assignment editor" - Duncan Black

"Google Trends #2: 'kate gosselin new hair.' I keep hitting refresh, waiting for 'on fire'" - James Lileks

"Cons seem to be most terrified of things they can't spell. Czars; fascism; Barack. Let's have Zbigniew Brzezinski kick their asses." - Michael Lazzaro

"I wish this scanner had a soul, so that it could rot in hell forever." - Jonathan Coulton

"Labor Dept. Plans to Reclassify Unemployed as 'Bloggers'" - Andy Borowitz

Flickrpick: Ebon Edo

A man standing before a depiction of Buddha at the Takaosan Yakuoin Yukiji Temple on Mount Takao in Hachiōji, Tokyo, Japan. Photo by Alan D. Newton.

Twitload for 11 September 2009

Seen recently at Twitter:

"Just got home from dinner I ate like I was going to the chair" - Danny DeVito

"It took Ayn Rand 1000s of pages to flesh out a new core philosophy of 'Screw You All'. That's not smart, that's just wasting paper." - Michael Lazzaro

"you dont have to like @ThatKevinSmith's movies to love his tweets (tho: warning, theyre NC-17)" - Jake Tapper

"If kids stay in school, they might go to college, where they will encounter elitist left-wing professors. Very clever, Obama." - Chris Dashiell

"Grandson nationalized the family ice cream last night. Damn you Obama!" - Gen. JC Christian

"Isn't it a bit redundant for Politico to create a whole separate gossip section? Sort of like the WashPost creating a special neocon page." - Glenn Greenwald

"I didn't know you could fall asleep eating a sandwich" - Nezua Limón Xolagrafik-Jonez

"Have read some of your career struggles. I sent 700 packages, got about 350 rejection letters before getting my first job in comics" - Todd McFarlane

"No American made the US Open men's quarters? Hey kids under 18 - put down the effing Wii/PS3 controller & pick up a racket. Signed, OLD FART" - Bill Simmons

"Ever had food so spicy that you needed to *shower* after eating it?" - Allah Pundit

"Just saw the majestic Alice In Chains. The copius amount of hair on my arms was standing up." - Scott Ian

"When I watch the 'Where the Wild Things Are' trailer, I get weepy. Your results may vary. But not by much I'll bet." - Adam Savage

"Over nxt months I really ought take one torso photo/week for fab timelapse w/'Yellow Submarine' vacuum monster as sound effect. *OOOOOFPHT!*" - Nick Cargo

"Seeing the new Tarantino movie today. Won't be taking my 6-year-old... don't want to expose her to all that bad spelling." - "Weird Al" Yankovic

"On a related note: yes, teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime. Unless he hates fish. Then there's allergy issues." - James Lileks

"Is So Spy Magazine 80's and a trope i cant seem to shake, but i do know grammatical rules, sometimes i simply do not give a fuck about them" - Courtney Love

"Here's a new game. Write a long msg w/a last word that w/some of its letters cut off turns it into something dirty. My favorite color is fuc" - Mike Sheehan

"Re: lack of Arab press 9/11 talk. Maybe just the usual human disinterest in what happened to people far away and long ago." - Steve Hynd

"MSNBC's rerunning of 9/11 coverage (as it happened!) is not news. It's death porn" - Mo Rocca

My favorite thing to watch is the breast

stroke, said the Olympic swimming aficianado.

Okay, Twitter freaks, I came up with a new challenge. Write a long message with a last word or ending that with some of its letters cut off turns it into something obscene or ironic or deliciously ambiguous or a double entendre.

Make sure you put the hashtag #cutitoff at the beginning. Here are some examples by yours truly and my good friend Mr. Cargo.

Spread this around too so it becomes really popular for a day or two before everyone begins hating it and me, lol.

Special Labor Day Funbag: Twitload for 07 September 2009

Hope everyone is having a groovy holiday. Seen recently at Twitter:

"Trying to take the internal temp of a very thin pork chop. I feel like latter-period Keith Richards searching for a vein." - James Lileks

"Outlaw exclusions for 'preexisting conditions'? Fine. You've got a 'shmeexisting shmondition.' Denied." - David Waldman

"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that Israel annihilates people and is hostile to peace. Well, he's so off our synagogue mailing list." - Yori Yanover

"This year has been like a big coming-out party for closet racists." - Chris Dashiell

"(George Hamilton farts) || crispy man whistles // stifles laughter as you smell // coppertone and ass" - 12 Bit Haiku

"I am soon to introduce the 'I Am John Mayer' app. It will feature a masturbation log and a random pretentious musing generator." - John Mayer

"Why do crazy ppl always TYPE IN ALLCAPS? Is there some Strunk & White style guide for paranoid drivel that I don't know about?" - Michael Lazzaro

"misogynistic humor offends me because some of my best friends are cunts." - Sarah Silverman

"MISSING: Community organizer. Abducted by corp lobbyists. Last seen in Oval Office. If found, please return." - Wendy Norris

"Has Playboy come out with a 'Hot Girls of Twitter' issue yet?" - Mike Sheehan

"This has all the makings of the weirdest NFL season ever. Seeds being planted for months. Now blooming." - Bill Simmons

"5 yrs ago, Dixie Chicks were crucified b/c they weren't proud the Prez was Texan. Now OK to call Prez 'Hitler' and shield kids from him" - Markos Moulitsas

"If 3,000 people gather for healthcare reform, will the media make a sound?" - Nick Cargo

"i'm old enough to remember the women of America falling in love with a romantic half man-half lion who lived in the sewers" - Jake Tapper

"This Labor Day, let's celebrate the American worker. Does anyone know his address?" - Andy Borowitz

Blood of a star child, dew of a moon rose

The ending was lame but I loved the rest of this idiocy, particularly the really bad fake Irish accent and the Pippin's flute.

Twitload for 04 September 2009

Seen recently at Twitter:

"I'm not drunk I'm so sober IT FRIGHTENS ME" - Allah Pundit

"it wasn't actually me who tried to kill a mouse with hairspray and a toaster-it was my drummer and my bass player" - Kristin Hersh

"Strange but true, Bob [Dylan]'s X-Mas album. David Hidalgo told me they listened to old Andy Williams X-Mas albums 4 inspiration." - Benjamin Reed Hunter

"Cheney makes more sense // with a Lecter enhancement // 'Torture worked, Clarice.'" - 12 Bit Haiku

"Es incredible que estoy circulando el mundo cada 90 minutos. Se ve tanta belleza al instante! (It's so amazing to realize that one navigates around the earth in 90 minutes! You see so much beauty in such a short time!)" - Astronaut José Hernández, from orbit

"Turns out I needed *fresh* dog fluid. So I had to stalk the dog in the yard with a cup. I've never seen him look at me w/such suspicion." - James Lileks

"Reason I love living in the future, #5,269: staying up late to play Castle Crashers on Xbox Live with my son, who is far far away at school." - Wil Wheaton

"it was getting super long... I mean, when you can tie your shoes with your goddamned toe hair, it's probably time for a shave." - Marty Beckerman

"Driving over the williamsburg bridge during an almost obscenely perfect setting sun. Sky the color of tangerine sherbet." - Moby

"CODA means child of Deaf adult. All 4 of my kids are CODAs but in my house, Mom does all the talking." - Marlee Matlin

"Larry King frightens me. I keep expecting him to say, 'We're gonna go to a quick commercial while I scare these crows off the corn.'" - Chris Hardwick

"Etiquette regarding Michael Jackson's father: what's a decent interval to wait before kicking Old Joe in the nuts. I'm ready now." - Michael McKean

"when's MSNBC going to employ a liberal hitler sympathizer?" - Atrios

"While I was in Tahiti I couldn't find a guitar so I grabbed whatever swam by... that screamed." - Steve Vai

"Sign of My Personal Apocalypse: I now work in the same office as Heckuva Job Brownie" - David Sirota

"Every wingnut who screams 'give me my country back!' should be forced to live on an Indian reservation for a week." - Ara Rubyan

"Note to Sean Hannity: Bert from Sesame Street called, he wants his laugh back." - Tom Tomorrow

"Is it unfair to Joe McCarthy to compare Glenn Beck to him? After all McCarthy was a US Senator and Beck is just a gas bag" - Matt Browner Hamlin

The Gregory Brothers take on the Debt & Deficit Dragon

As T-Pain puts it, Katie Coo is on very thin ice in this latest edition (#8) of "Auto-Tune the News," by the extraordinarily gifted nutballs known as The Gregory Brothers. Enjoy...